Day 2406: All I am interested in is Gatorade. I'm not sure if it is from being sick, or this perfect little baby growing inside of me, but that is the only thing right now that is anything less that revolting! I guess that's normal, or so the nurse tells me. I try and force other things in, and thankfully nothing has come up yet! But I never thought this is how I'd feel. It's funny, that for my entire life, an obsession with snacking has shut down so quickly!
Yesterday, we got the official call. I am officially, documented by the doctors, PREGNANT! Who would have thought! I am still in a daze all the time about it! I can't believe this is real! I can not wait to meet our little Onigiri (loose translation: rice ball)! I have never felt so happy and scared at the same time! But slowly it is starting to sink in! Slowly I am starting to register more and more what is happening, and MY GOSH! There are so many things to do!
Baby books, and prenatal care appointments, things to buy, and things to know, people to tell and decisions, decisions, decisions! It's unreal! I feel like all I want to do is go to a baby store and soak in the amazingness (yes, I know this is not a REAL word) of it all! I want to touch everything and picture my little Onigiri in my arms, being held by Darling Dear, in a crib, or playing! I just want to picture everything! And now it's actually happening!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Finally...
Day 2404: I have spent the last three days recovering from what I assumed was the flu. After throwing up, diarrhea, headaches, and body-aches, I decided, on a whim to take a pregnancy test. I am usually pretty regular, nothing too out of the ordinary, and being a few days late, I figured it was just being sick that got me down! Lo and behold, my beautiful pink lines! I am super paranoid so I peed on FIVE just to be sure. Having just started fertility tests, I was finally having hope that this day was coming, but I never imagined it would be so soon!
So after dunking the first test, I waited a few seconds, not expecting anything to show up, like the many months we have struggled through so far. What I was not expecting was those two beautiful lines! After the first one, I sat huddled on the floor, sobbing with disbelief. I couldn't believe this is finally happening! We had been waiting so long! Trying so hard! I had shed so many sad tears over this and now, I could not stop the tears of relief. The tears of pure joy.
Darling Dear was out on a flight and though I wanted so badly to tell him in person, he was on a debt in San Diego and not scheduled to return for 10 more days, and no, I do not have that much self control. Not at all. I did have enough self control to not hound him, so he was suspicious.
See, many months ago, when we first started trying I bought him a little gift. Having gone to school at Michigan State University, he is a Spartan through and through. So I purchased a little pack of Spartan binkies, wrapped them in leftover ribbon from our wedding and set them aside for when this day finally came. And thus they have collected dust, for over a year, waiting with me.
And now, all I can say is thank goodness for Skype! At least I can open them for him while he watches patiently, unknowing on his side. I can't wait to see his reaction. To see his face when I tell him he is going to be a father. And even more, to tell him he is going to be there for the birth! He will get to meet our child, hold them and everything before he deploys again and that is all I could ask for.
So I sit here and wait patiently for his call. Wait for him to land from his flight and ring me up, unknowing that his whole world is about to change! And let me tell you, waiting is NOT my strong suit! But I will do it. I can make it! I made it this far, whats a few more hours, right?
So after dunking the first test, I waited a few seconds, not expecting anything to show up, like the many months we have struggled through so far. What I was not expecting was those two beautiful lines! After the first one, I sat huddled on the floor, sobbing with disbelief. I couldn't believe this is finally happening! We had been waiting so long! Trying so hard! I had shed so many sad tears over this and now, I could not stop the tears of relief. The tears of pure joy.
Darling Dear was out on a flight and though I wanted so badly to tell him in person, he was on a debt in San Diego and not scheduled to return for 10 more days, and no, I do not have that much self control. Not at all. I did have enough self control to not hound him, so he was suspicious.
See, many months ago, when we first started trying I bought him a little gift. Having gone to school at Michigan State University, he is a Spartan through and through. So I purchased a little pack of Spartan binkies, wrapped them in leftover ribbon from our wedding and set them aside for when this day finally came. And thus they have collected dust, for over a year, waiting with me.
And now, all I can say is thank goodness for Skype! At least I can open them for him while he watches patiently, unknowing on his side. I can't wait to see his reaction. To see his face when I tell him he is going to be a father. And even more, to tell him he is going to be there for the birth! He will get to meet our child, hold them and everything before he deploys again and that is all I could ask for.
So I sit here and wait patiently for his call. Wait for him to land from his flight and ring me up, unknowing that his whole world is about to change! And let me tell you, waiting is NOT my strong suit! But I will do it. I can make it! I made it this far, whats a few more hours, right?
Monday, May 12, 2014
And so it begins...
Day 2396: As I sat in the waiting room at the hospital, nervous and eager to be seen, I am surrounded by children everywhere I look. A crying two-year-old, a fussing four-year-old, a woman with infant twins that looks so exhausted, I think she might just fall asleep while she is waiting in these uncomfortable chairs. It takes all I can to not burst into tears from the jealousy and envy I feel building up inside of me.
I want, so badly, what they have.
And maybe someday I will get it. But right now, there are just tests and needles and doctors and referrals, and I know they just have to be able to help us, but the longer we wait, the harder it is. This heartbreak is defeating me one blow at a time and I fear that I will soon have no hope left. I fear that every day, I am waiting for something that might never happen. Waiting for something we might never get to have. And that hurts.
It hurts in the supermarket with the kids begging for cookies, or at the work party with the teens hugging their parents. It hurts at the park where every child wants to pet my dog, and at my friends house when I hold her beautiful baby. It hurts when I see that negative test and know that it's just another month to tack onto the end of the timeline of when we will finally get to hold that perfect little miracle in our hands. When we will finally get to have what we have been waiting for, for so long.
And I know it will be worth it. I know that every time I cried, every time I broke down, every time I felt like I couldn't go on will disappear when our time finally comes.
I want, so badly, what they have.
And maybe someday I will get it. But right now, there are just tests and needles and doctors and referrals, and I know they just have to be able to help us, but the longer we wait, the harder it is. This heartbreak is defeating me one blow at a time and I fear that I will soon have no hope left. I fear that every day, I am waiting for something that might never happen. Waiting for something we might never get to have. And that hurts.
It hurts in the supermarket with the kids begging for cookies, or at the work party with the teens hugging their parents. It hurts at the park where every child wants to pet my dog, and at my friends house when I hold her beautiful baby. It hurts when I see that negative test and know that it's just another month to tack onto the end of the timeline of when we will finally get to hold that perfect little miracle in our hands. When we will finally get to have what we have been waiting for, for so long.
And I know it will be worth it. I know that every time I cried, every time I broke down, every time I felt like I couldn't go on will disappear when our time finally comes.
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